Understanding my PTSD

When the time is right we will over come all problems and obstacles.

     I think back over all of the ups and downs that have taken place in my life since PTSD entered into my World. Up until that point, I had not heard of it and if I did, I had heard so little about it, that I didn’t think it was a common thing. No.. I don’t mean common to the average person, but I mean, it is not uncommon to know someone with PTSD. Whether it comes from War.. or from a traumatic experience in civilian life. I know it affects everyone differently. Some people have bad dreams, some people hate themselves, some people lash out towards the world, some people stay to themselves, Some people Self destruct and some people .. well.. some people even take their own lives. I didn’t know what to do with myself, But I had reached a point were after I realized how easy it was for any of us to be taken out of this world, I didn’t care about anything except living for me. Not in a good way either. Yes I still showed love to many people, but I had gone on a 1 way trip to Jail or Hell.. whichever came first. Jail of coarse was the one that got to me…

The Mind is a powerful thing.. if you lose control of it, reality becomes distorted. You began to see things in a different way…and it can turn into Self Destruction! 

After the I left the Military.. I found myself angry at the world.. My only mission was to get what I can however I can. With this came a life of doing the wrong things. I found myself surrounded in a world of Darkness.. The sad thing was, I also know of other people who were in that world with me, and definitely didn’t belong. Whatever we believe in will become the strongest and most evident. I believed in the power of me. My Life was to short and I didn’t care of any consequences, because I figured I should have been dead already. Yes I survived the wars.. but like I said before, I felt like I was living on borrowed time.

I know this part may surprise a lot of people, and yet I somehow think there are people that knew but never said anything, but I had fallen into a period of Heavy drug use.. and I don’t mean Marijuana.. actually Drug and Alcohol use. I tried to hide it.. but I know it was visible, I think. All I wanted to do was escape reality. I would wake up.. do drugs.. night time hit.. id drink half a fifth of Cognac, mixed with more Drugs and Weed… All day everyday.. finding a way to make my reality not real.. Every time I was sober, I felt like the world was closing in on me. I remember one time being so gone that a series of days had gone by.. and I didn’t even know it. Time seem to float away.

It wasn’t until my youngest daughter was born, did I finally wake up… and a wake up it was. I did so many things wrong that I couldn’t remember half of what had happened. The day my daughter came home.. everything changed for me. It went from me having nothing to live for, to all of a sudden I had everything to live for… now it was no longer me against the World, but me needing to be here for her. I had to wake up… and I did. It wasn’t an instant change.. it took many years.. I kicked the habits, I left the Bad life behind, I became a family man with a real job… I did everything I could to climb out of that hole…and I am still transforming into someone better. At one point we moved down to Florida… to start all over. My first life vest to live for.. was my Child.

As my inner demons slowly started to disappear.. payback for my dark years kicked in. I was arrested on charges from GA! They Extradited me as a fugitive from the Law…! For a minute it looked like I was going away for ever.. but for some reason I felt as if I was making Peace with myself.. Yes I had to pay the price… but I was happy knowing that I had left the dark world behind.. I had changed… so now it was collecting from someone who no longer was in its world! I was happy knowing.. I had made it out mentally before I was locked away. Had I gone in there with the mind frame from my dark years.. I would still be in there. But it was the change to positive thinking that allowed me to keep my cool.. and make it through. While I was gone my Son was born. My first time seeing him was looking outside of my Jail cell window(I was fortunate enough to have a window facing the outside world..lol)..

Anyways.. through a series of Blessings, Miracles.. or whatever you call things that seem impossible to happen, but yet still do... I was released to come home after 5 and a half months.. You know.. as I begin to awaken.. I also begin to remember who I was. I was awakened to the power of thought and belief.. and all of the good in me that was buried beneath the PTSD had begin to rise to the top, but I was still in the hot seat mentally.. I was now in a tug of war with my mental self.. fighting for what would be in control of me for the rest of my life.. my Dark side or my Good side.. and as a result.. My marriage completely fell apart…before I knew it.. my wife and kids moved out of the house. No we never had physical violence in the house, but we definitely were not happy.. I was so deep into trying to understand and find out where I was in the mind.. that I didn’t take time to heal my family.. I let it slip away…. No I wont say I was the one to blame and I wont say I was innocent… but I will say, my PTSD did not allow me to handle situations correctly. I questioned myself.. am I being to nice, am I being to mean… I didn’t know if my emotions were truly mines or if they were under the complete control of this mental disease..

During all of this I had quickly found out that .. A.) No one wanted to hire someone with PTSD and B.) No one wanted to hire someone with a criminal background. The crazy thing was..lol.. until I had gone to war 4 times and got Diagnosed with PTSD.. I never had a criminal record. Go figure.. my fighting for this country, turned me into someone the country had to fight against. As a man who had finally come to the good side of life, I was finding it hard to deal with. I got hooked up with a demolition job at one point but was lad off shortly after, along with a lot of others people.. the Recession had hit… and was hitting companies hard. I was in the biggest battle mentally of my Life… It would have been so easy for me to go back to doing the wrong thing… but something didn’t want me to. All signs led me to school.. and while I was looking for me, and going to school.. I was losing my marriage. Once my Marriage had fallen apart and we separated.. I was again faced with the battle inside.. and it was hitting hard. But.. once again.. I was lead to make a decision.. one that has changed my Life and finally pushed the dark life away from me. I knew I had to be strong for my kids… I knew I had a lot of things going against me.. but I Also knew I had a strong support system of friends and family.. I Knew I my change in how I looked at life had actually changed things for my life. You see.. As an X Army Ranger.. As a Jenkins, As someone who had everything to live for…and My Kids.. My Kids… My Heart and Soul… the ones who made my heart beat again. Not just my Blood children, but also my older 2 step children. While I was drowning.. I was being surrounded by Life Vest… and all I had to do was look to any one of those 4. They loved me… even when they were mad at me.. and they still do. I started to utilize the strength my four children gave me, and began to rebuild myself. In January of 2010 With the help of 2 of my best friends I Founded Conscious Mind Records Inc. I finally understood... started to understand my PTSD… I was no longer going to allow it to stop me.. No.. when Id get Mad at the world.. I would turn to the company.. and work. Id work until sleep had disappeared.. But it was a Blessing.. I was finally working and doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I was back in College.. I had my Company, I had My Children.. for once.. PTSD had lost a battle against me. One day I looked around and realized.. from now on.. my PTSD will be used to push me harder and further. Yes… I still have days or moments were it brings me down, but now.. I stop it fast. It no longer is welcome, and all of the Terrible ways it made me feel about myself.. It no longer can make me Self Destruct! I know I was saved by my Blessings.

I want you all to know.. that you have the power to conquer ANYTHING that overtakes you mentally. We as Humans, are designed to figure out a way to Win. I refuse to let PTSD stop me anymore. I have to much to live for. Every time it would hit me, a Blessings would come and save me.. If you are reading this.. and are going through similar things.. just know, you can make it. You can pull out of it. Find what is good in your life.. and let it Lift you. Let it help you to Love you Once again… Thank you all for such wonderful support… I will continue to write about how I deal PTSD, and about others who have also found a way to move forward while fighting this battle. Together we can make it! Until next time my people.. I Love you and you should Love you too!!! Peace! “T”

I had lost it AGAIN..

As I lay there on the floor of my studio staring at the ceiling, All I could think of was.. what in the World could have gotten me to this point! Anxiety overload!!! Last year I had a very bad Anxiety attack.. 3 days I locked myself in my studio, didn’t answer my phone, didn’t go online, didn’t talk to anyone.. except for Souljah Bless once.. just to let someone know I was alive. I just sat there or laid there! So overwhelmed with emotion and confusion… Why was I even still alive? Why didn’t some people make it.. Is my memory loss real.. or do I just think I have it.. why…why…why??? So many Questions, and no idea of where the answers were. I wanted help.. but was afraid to go back to the psychiatrist.. Haven’t seen him in a Long while. Then I think.. oh my God .. I had gone to see a “Shrink”! What kind of man needs to go see a shrink! And then I was even more pissed at my self for not being able to handle my mental problems myself. Besides every time I would go.. it would start to stir up those same emotions I was feeling at that moment.

You see.. I never cry. I don’t know how to, unless of coarse someone dies, but for some reason, when I think about my Military career.. the things we went through in war… each trip different, but yet.. each trip would draw you deeper and deeper into a paranoid cold killer mode. The Military.. sometimes I tear up.

     On my first trip.. I was very nervous. Not so scared.. but nervous. I did an Airborne Jump into Afghanistan! The mission was a success.. but it opened up Pandora’s Box. It gave me a taste of what it was like to feel Hunted and to be Hunting someone else.. The taste of Human against Human life or death. Each time you do a mission… the chance is there.. a Heavy chance.. You, Your Friends.. I Mean your family(because that’s what you become),  Your pears can be Killed. Each time you may have to Kill someone else. On a good mission.. no one would get killed.. and those happened. Sometimes someone would. It didn’t sting so bad when it was the enemy, but when it was someone in the Family, it hurt. It reminded me of how close each of us are always to death. Always a split second away. Many of my friends where killed overseas… Between my two tours to each Afghanistan and Iraq, I’ve seen a lot of people die. But my main question had become, why not me? Why am I still around, when so many other good people have died. In all of the militaries.. in all of the world!

     I remember at one point.. while hugging a Hill as artillery rounds pounded me and my platoon… while another platoon took on heavy Anti Aircraft gunfire… Mind you.. they were not in an aircraft. Yes it was bad.. but I remember looking at each of my Soldiers.. all going through this Hell together, knowing this may be our final day.. and yet.. we continued to fight. We were going to fight till the last man was standing. Yes we were brave.. but I also know.. that it was while laying there, did it really sink in. Death was as real as Life, and I had excepted it as my fate. On that hill.. Arty Hill… I had decided I was ready to die! But I didn’t die, other people did. And since then.. I’ve felt like, I owed death! Like I’m living on borrowed time. I mean.. I know why I’m here now, but while I was in that room, on that floor.. I .. I didn’t know why…

I have never and will never attempt Suicide, but did you know that among people who have had a diagnosis of PTSD at some point in their lifetime, approximately 27% have also attempted suicide and 30% have thought about it…That’s deep.. I often wonder about the soldiers who were on that hill with me. Who were on the Haditha Damn on the Euphrates River with me. I often wonder how many of them are mentally torn. Not just because of the Damn, but because of all of the battles… All of the “War Games” we lived through. This makes me think about those who have PTSD from other Life situations. Like those in 911, or survivors of attempted murder. Those who have touched and spoke with Death. How many are in this world. We have to some how be able to help each other. I know there are many organizations out there. But what about for people like me, who are afraid of the paper work. Who are afraid to have all of those emotions come back. What about for those of us who just want to know that someone out there understands. One of my Ranger brothers hit me up after my first blog post.. and you know what, I didn’t cry.. but I teared up pretty good. This man faced death with me, and I found out he has been feeling the pull of PTSD also. Not just him.. but others. Who knew….

     Well I want everyone to be well assured… I know exactly why I’m still alive. Why I survived. Over this past year, It was made very clear to me of my purpose. It is to Help Others! Help others in anyway I know how. I knew it by the time I left the studio on the third day. After locking myself away from the world, I finally realized that the one thing I am Great at , and Love to do.. is to Help others.. and as long as I can continue to do that in some way, I will be happy. Yes I still have my moments.. but I look for a way to remember why I am here. I look at my kids.. or their picture, I look at those who have stood by my side no matter what, I look at all of those who have stayed around while my PTSD continues to block out moments of time in my life. I look at Life all around me, and how, even though I had hit rock bottom at one point.. I survived. I not only survived but I had come back 10 times stronger. When I remember all that I have made it through.. I remember.. why I am here!

If you are ever having thoughts of Suicide, or hurting yourself or others.. please seek help right away. With PTSD this doesn’t just go away by itself. Talk to someone.. We can prevent others from going over the edge.. and we can help rescue each other from the dark hole of Depression. For those who have made it out…. Now is your time to be here for others.. you survived for a reason! This is the Biggest mission of our Lives!

Till next time… Much Love, Peace and Blessings to you all! “T”       RLTW!!!

When it all begin

As a young Soldier in the United States Army Rangers, I never thought I would be dealing with such a profound disease. One that can change your entire life in a very distressing way. You see.. I was always the happy one. I was always the one who no matter what was able to keep people smiling, while feeling great inside. After going to war 4 times, facing death, and thinking I escaped ok.. I found out I had another thing coming. During my 4^th deployment I found myself having trouble agreeing with my Platoon SGT. I was a squad leader in Bco. 3^rd Ranger Battalion. We were in Iraq. I felt as if he may have had it out for me, and in return I found myself though still showing happiness on the outside, feeling angry on the inside. I believe some of this started to show as I would disagree with him more and more. It eventually lead to me being sent back to the states earlier then I was supposed to, and being sent to another company. I felt betrayed, I felt as if I had given my all and in the end they dismissed me like a broken record. This wasn’t the case, but this made me want to leave the Rangers. When I left the Ranger Battalion it was as if I had walked away from one of my dreams. My Command Sergeant Major told me he would have me back as a squad leader but I didn’t want to stay around. I went to airborne school in Ft. Benning GA and became a jump school instructor. At first all was well.. but then I began not caring. Showing up with my uniform un pressed, not showing up to formation on time. Just completely turning into a terrible soldier. And I didn’t care. In my mind I was just tired and frustrated.. I didn’t realize that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder had already taken ahold of me. I went from a superstar soldier to the one who could care less.. and it wasn’t just about the army.. it was about life in general.

Luckily I had a 1SG at the airborne school who saw the signs. He sent me to a psychiatrist and within 3 months I was fully diagnosed with PTSD. The irony is I kind of knew something wasn’t right with me, but didn’t know what it was or how to describe it. I remember one day before going to the physiatrist, I had met up with some of my X fellow rangers and their wives. One of our Ranger brothers had been killed over seas and whenever this would happen we would get together to reminisce. Anyways we all met up and I remember one of the wives saying that since we’ve started going to war, her husband hasn’t been the same. Then she started to describe him doing and acting the same as I had been. Before I knew it all of the soldiers and wives had started describing the same things. A change in drive, motivation. Going from a top notch warrior to a not caring, not wanting to do anything quitter. I kept quite about my problems that day.. but I knew.. something definitely was not right. Things didn’t even feel the same anymore.. To put it in a nice way.. I just didn’t give a F$@<!

The physiatrist had tried putting me on Welbutrin.. then Prozac.. Then a higher dose of Welbutrin…. Mixed with Ambien for sleeping problems. Life had completely taking a turn for me and I had no clue how far it would let me fall. I would watch or hear stories about my friends or other soldiers who would fall from grace.. some in a terrible way. From drugs, to violence, to even suicide. The world is not forgiving to one who goes down these paths… but what do you do when you can no longer control it. When it becomes so overwhelming that you push past the limits of life or death. When did it all change for me? I believe my decent started on Arty Hill. Which was a “Damn” we took on the Euphrates River in Iraq. A 24hr mission turned into a 9 day fight for our lives. We won.. but at the cost of more then just the lost of my fellow brothers.. many of us lost our minds and our souls on that hill.

Anyways this blog is to take you threw my journey.. my journey of completely falling down, to my slow rise to where I am, and my fight within to stay not only alive and moving forward, but moving upward in the ladder of life. I am doing this, not for any glory.. for many have gone through what I have and am, but I do this with the hopes of letting others know you can make it through this. I am not showing you through the eyes of someone who has done all the research. I am showing you through the eyes of someone who has walked through the pits of hell and has been trying to stay away from there every since. I’m with you.. you are not alone.. and together we will build stories that will reach the world! With much respect to all of our fallen soldiers.. through Life or Mental..!!!