Understanding my PTSD

When the time is right we will over come all problems and obstacles.

     I think back over all of the ups and downs that have taken place in my life since PTSD entered into my World. Up until that point, I had not heard of it and if I did, I had heard so little about it, that I didn’t think it was a common thing. No.. I don’t mean common to the average person, but I mean, it is not uncommon to know someone with PTSD. Whether it comes from War.. or from a traumatic experience in civilian life. I know it affects everyone differently. Some people have bad dreams, some people hate themselves, some people lash out towards the world, some people stay to themselves, Some people Self destruct and some people .. well.. some people even take their own lives. I didn’t know what to do with myself, But I had reached a point were after I realized how easy it was for any of us to be taken out of this world, I didn’t care about anything except living for me. Not in a good way either. Yes I still showed love to many people, but I had gone on a 1 way trip to Jail or Hell.. whichever came first. Jail of coarse was the one that got to me…

The Mind is a powerful thing.. if you lose control of it, reality becomes distorted. You began to see things in a different way…and it can turn into Self Destruction! 

After the I left the Military.. I found myself angry at the world.. My only mission was to get what I can however I can. With this came a life of doing the wrong things. I found myself surrounded in a world of Darkness.. The sad thing was, I also know of other people who were in that world with me, and definitely didn’t belong. Whatever we believe in will become the strongest and most evident. I believed in the power of me. My Life was to short and I didn’t care of any consequences, because I figured I should have been dead already. Yes I survived the wars.. but like I said before, I felt like I was living on borrowed time.

I know this part may surprise a lot of people, and yet I somehow think there are people that knew but never said anything, but I had fallen into a period of Heavy drug use.. and I don’t mean Marijuana.. actually Drug and Alcohol use. I tried to hide it.. but I know it was visible, I think. All I wanted to do was escape reality. I would wake up.. do drugs.. night time hit.. id drink half a fifth of Cognac, mixed with more Drugs and Weed… All day everyday.. finding a way to make my reality not real.. Every time I was sober, I felt like the world was closing in on me. I remember one time being so gone that a series of days had gone by.. and I didn’t even know it. Time seem to float away.

It wasn’t until my youngest daughter was born, did I finally wake up… and a wake up it was. I did so many things wrong that I couldn’t remember half of what had happened. The day my daughter came home.. everything changed for me. It went from me having nothing to live for, to all of a sudden I had everything to live for… now it was no longer me against the World, but me needing to be here for her. I had to wake up… and I did. It wasn’t an instant change.. it took many years.. I kicked the habits, I left the Bad life behind, I became a family man with a real job… I did everything I could to climb out of that hole…and I am still transforming into someone better. At one point we moved down to Florida… to start all over. My first life vest to live for.. was my Child.

As my inner demons slowly started to disappear.. payback for my dark years kicked in. I was arrested on charges from GA! They Extradited me as a fugitive from the Law…! For a minute it looked like I was going away for ever.. but for some reason I felt as if I was making Peace with myself.. Yes I had to pay the price… but I was happy knowing that I had left the dark world behind.. I had changed… so now it was collecting from someone who no longer was in its world! I was happy knowing.. I had made it out mentally before I was locked away. Had I gone in there with the mind frame from my dark years.. I would still be in there. But it was the change to positive thinking that allowed me to keep my cool.. and make it through. While I was gone my Son was born. My first time seeing him was looking outside of my Jail cell window(I was fortunate enough to have a window facing the outside world..lol)..

Anyways.. through a series of Blessings, Miracles.. or whatever you call things that seem impossible to happen, but yet still do... I was released to come home after 5 and a half months.. You know.. as I begin to awaken.. I also begin to remember who I was. I was awakened to the power of thought and belief.. and all of the good in me that was buried beneath the PTSD had begin to rise to the top, but I was still in the hot seat mentally.. I was now in a tug of war with my mental self.. fighting for what would be in control of me for the rest of my life.. my Dark side or my Good side.. and as a result.. My marriage completely fell apart…before I knew it.. my wife and kids moved out of the house. No we never had physical violence in the house, but we definitely were not happy.. I was so deep into trying to understand and find out where I was in the mind.. that I didn’t take time to heal my family.. I let it slip away…. No I wont say I was the one to blame and I wont say I was innocent… but I will say, my PTSD did not allow me to handle situations correctly. I questioned myself.. am I being to nice, am I being to mean… I didn’t know if my emotions were truly mines or if they were under the complete control of this mental disease..

During all of this I had quickly found out that .. A.) No one wanted to hire someone with PTSD and B.) No one wanted to hire someone with a criminal background. The crazy thing was..lol.. until I had gone to war 4 times and got Diagnosed with PTSD.. I never had a criminal record. Go figure.. my fighting for this country, turned me into someone the country had to fight against. As a man who had finally come to the good side of life, I was finding it hard to deal with. I got hooked up with a demolition job at one point but was lad off shortly after, along with a lot of others people.. the Recession had hit… and was hitting companies hard. I was in the biggest battle mentally of my Life… It would have been so easy for me to go back to doing the wrong thing… but something didn’t want me to. All signs led me to school.. and while I was looking for me, and going to school.. I was losing my marriage. Once my Marriage had fallen apart and we separated.. I was again faced with the battle inside.. and it was hitting hard. But.. once again.. I was lead to make a decision.. one that has changed my Life and finally pushed the dark life away from me. I knew I had to be strong for my kids… I knew I had a lot of things going against me.. but I Also knew I had a strong support system of friends and family.. I Knew I my change in how I looked at life had actually changed things for my life. You see.. As an X Army Ranger.. As a Jenkins, As someone who had everything to live for…and My Kids.. My Kids… My Heart and Soul… the ones who made my heart beat again. Not just my Blood children, but also my older 2 step children. While I was drowning.. I was being surrounded by Life Vest… and all I had to do was look to any one of those 4. They loved me… even when they were mad at me.. and they still do. I started to utilize the strength my four children gave me, and began to rebuild myself. In January of 2010 With the help of 2 of my best friends I Founded Conscious Mind Records Inc. I finally understood... started to understand my PTSD… I was no longer going to allow it to stop me.. No.. when Id get Mad at the world.. I would turn to the company.. and work. Id work until sleep had disappeared.. But it was a Blessing.. I was finally working and doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I was back in College.. I had my Company, I had My Children.. for once.. PTSD had lost a battle against me. One day I looked around and realized.. from now on.. my PTSD will be used to push me harder and further. Yes… I still have days or moments were it brings me down, but now.. I stop it fast. It no longer is welcome, and all of the Terrible ways it made me feel about myself.. It no longer can make me Self Destruct! I know I was saved by my Blessings.

I want you all to know.. that you have the power to conquer ANYTHING that overtakes you mentally. We as Humans, are designed to figure out a way to Win. I refuse to let PTSD stop me anymore. I have to much to live for. Every time it would hit me, a Blessings would come and save me.. If you are reading this.. and are going through similar things.. just know, you can make it. You can pull out of it. Find what is good in your life.. and let it Lift you. Let it help you to Love you Once again… Thank you all for such wonderful support… I will continue to write about how I deal PTSD, and about others who have also found a way to move forward while fighting this battle. Together we can make it! Until next time my people.. I Love you and you should Love you too!!! Peace! “T”