As I lay there on the floor of my
studio staring at the ceiling, All I could think of was.. what in the World
could have gotten me to this point! Anxiety overload!!! Last year I had a very
bad Anxiety attack.. 3 days I locked myself in my studio, didn’t answer my
phone, didn’t go online, didn’t talk to anyone.. except for Souljah Bless
once.. just to let someone know I was alive. I just sat there or laid there! So
overwhelmed with emotion and confusion… Why was I even still alive? Why didn’t
some people make it.. Is my memory loss real.. or do I just think I have it..
why…why…why??? So many Questions, and no idea of where the answers were. I
wanted help.. but was afraid to go back to the psychiatrist.. Haven’t seen him
in a Long while. Then I think.. oh my God .. I had gone to see a “Shrink”! What
kind of man needs to go see a shrink! And then I was even more pissed at my
self for not being able to handle my mental problems myself. Besides every time
I would go.. it would start to stir up those same emotions I was feeling at
that moment.
You see.. I never cry. I don’t know
how to, unless of coarse someone dies, but for some reason, when I think about
my Military career.. the things we went through in war… each trip different,
but yet.. each trip would draw you deeper and deeper into a paranoid cold
killer mode. The Military.. sometimes I tear up.
On my first trip.. I was very nervous. Not so scared.. but nervous. I
did an Airborne Jump into Afghanistan! The mission was a success.. but it
opened up Pandora’s Box. It gave me a taste of what it was like to feel Hunted
and to be Hunting someone else.. The taste of Human against Human life or
death. Each time you do a mission… the chance is there.. a Heavy chance.. You,
Your Friends.. I Mean your family(because that’s what you become), Your pears can be Killed. Each time you may
have to Kill someone else. On a good mission.. no one would get killed.. and
those happened. Sometimes someone would. It didn’t sting so bad when it was the
enemy, but when it was someone in the Family, it hurt. It reminded me of how
close each of us are always to death. Always a split second away. Many of my
friends where killed overseas… Between my two tours to each Afghanistan and
Iraq, I’ve seen a lot of people die. But my main question had become, why not
me? Why am I still around, when so many other good people have died. In all of
the militaries.. in all of the world!
I remember at one point.. while hugging a Hill as artillery rounds
pounded me and my platoon… while another platoon took on heavy Anti Aircraft gunfire…
Mind you.. they were not in an aircraft. Yes it was bad.. but I remember
looking at each of my Soldiers.. all going through this Hell together, knowing
this may be our final day.. and yet.. we continued to fight. We were going to
fight till the last man was standing. Yes we were brave.. but I also know..
that it was while laying there, did it really sink in. Death was as real as
Life, and I had excepted it as my fate. On that hill.. Arty Hill… I had decided
I was ready to die! But I didn’t die, other people did. And since then.. I’ve
felt like, I owed death! Like I’m living on borrowed time. I mean.. I know why
I’m here now, but while I was in that room, on that floor.. I .. I didn’t know
why…
I have never and will never attempt
Suicide, but did you know that among people who have had a diagnosis of PTSD at
some point in their lifetime, approximately 27% have also attempted suicide and
30% have thought about it…That’s deep.. I often wonder about the soldiers who were
on that hill with me. Who were on the Haditha Damn on the Euphrates River with
me. I often wonder how many of them are mentally torn. Not just because of the
Damn, but because of all of the battles… All of the “War Games” we lived
through. This makes me think about those who have PTSD from other Life
situations. Like those in 911, or survivors of attempted murder. Those who have
touched and spoke with Death. How many are in this world. We have to some how
be able to help each other. I know there are many organizations out there. But
what about for people like me, who are afraid of the paper work. Who are afraid
to have all of those emotions come back. What about for those of us who just
want to know that someone out there understands. One of my Ranger brothers hit
me up after my first blog post.. and you know what, I didn’t cry.. but I teared
up pretty good. This man faced death with me, and I found out he has been
feeling the pull of PTSD also. Not just him.. but others. Who knew….
Well I want everyone to be well assured… I know exactly why I’m still
alive. Why I survived. Over this past year, It was made very clear to me of my
purpose. It is to Help Others! Help others in anyway I know how. I knew it by
the time I left the studio on the third day. After locking myself away from the
world, I finally realized that the one thing I am Great at , and Love to do..
is to Help others.. and as long as I can continue to do that in some way, I
will be happy. Yes I still have my moments.. but I look for a way to remember
why I am here. I look at my kids.. or their picture, I look at those who have
stood by my side no matter what, I look at all of those who have stayed around
while my PTSD continues to block out moments of time in my life. I look at Life
all around me, and how, even though I had hit rock bottom at one point.. I
survived. I not only survived but I had come back 10 times stronger. When I
remember all that I have made it through.. I remember.. why I am here!
If you are ever having thoughts of
Suicide, or hurting yourself or others.. please seek help right away. With PTSD
this doesn’t just go away by itself. Talk to someone.. We can prevent others
from going over the edge.. and we can help rescue each other from the dark hole
of Depression. For those who have made it out…. Now is your time to be here for
others.. you survived for a reason! This is the Biggest mission of our Lives!
Till next time… Much Love, Peace and
Blessings to you all! “T” RLTW!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment