When it all begin

As a young Soldier in the United States Army Rangers, I never thought I would be dealing with such a profound disease. One that can change your entire life in a very distressing way. You see.. I was always the happy one. I was always the one who no matter what was able to keep people smiling, while feeling great inside. After going to war 4 times, facing death, and thinking I escaped ok.. I found out I had another thing coming. During my 4^th deployment I found myself having trouble agreeing with my Platoon SGT. I was a squad leader in Bco. 3^rd Ranger Battalion. We were in Iraq. I felt as if he may have had it out for me, and in return I found myself though still showing happiness on the outside, feeling angry on the inside. I believe some of this started to show as I would disagree with him more and more. It eventually lead to me being sent back to the states earlier then I was supposed to, and being sent to another company. I felt betrayed, I felt as if I had given my all and in the end they dismissed me like a broken record. This wasn’t the case, but this made me want to leave the Rangers. When I left the Ranger Battalion it was as if I had walked away from one of my dreams. My Command Sergeant Major told me he would have me back as a squad leader but I didn’t want to stay around. I went to airborne school in Ft. Benning GA and became a jump school instructor. At first all was well.. but then I began not caring. Showing up with my uniform un pressed, not showing up to formation on time. Just completely turning into a terrible soldier. And I didn’t care. In my mind I was just tired and frustrated.. I didn’t realize that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder had already taken ahold of me. I went from a superstar soldier to the one who could care less.. and it wasn’t just about the army.. it was about life in general.

Luckily I had a 1SG at the airborne school who saw the signs. He sent me to a psychiatrist and within 3 months I was fully diagnosed with PTSD. The irony is I kind of knew something wasn’t right with me, but didn’t know what it was or how to describe it. I remember one day before going to the physiatrist, I had met up with some of my X fellow rangers and their wives. One of our Ranger brothers had been killed over seas and whenever this would happen we would get together to reminisce. Anyways we all met up and I remember one of the wives saying that since we’ve started going to war, her husband hasn’t been the same. Then she started to describe him doing and acting the same as I had been. Before I knew it all of the soldiers and wives had started describing the same things. A change in drive, motivation. Going from a top notch warrior to a not caring, not wanting to do anything quitter. I kept quite about my problems that day.. but I knew.. something definitely was not right. Things didn’t even feel the same anymore.. To put it in a nice way.. I just didn’t give a F$@<!

The physiatrist had tried putting me on Welbutrin.. then Prozac.. Then a higher dose of Welbutrin…. Mixed with Ambien for sleeping problems. Life had completely taking a turn for me and I had no clue how far it would let me fall. I would watch or hear stories about my friends or other soldiers who would fall from grace.. some in a terrible way. From drugs, to violence, to even suicide. The world is not forgiving to one who goes down these paths… but what do you do when you can no longer control it. When it becomes so overwhelming that you push past the limits of life or death. When did it all change for me? I believe my decent started on Arty Hill. Which was a “Damn” we took on the Euphrates River in Iraq. A 24hr mission turned into a 9 day fight for our lives. We won.. but at the cost of more then just the lost of my fellow brothers.. many of us lost our minds and our souls on that hill.

Anyways this blog is to take you threw my journey.. my journey of completely falling down, to my slow rise to where I am, and my fight within to stay not only alive and moving forward, but moving upward in the ladder of life. I am doing this, not for any glory.. for many have gone through what I have and am, but I do this with the hopes of letting others know you can make it through this. I am not showing you through the eyes of someone who has done all the research. I am showing you through the eyes of someone who has walked through the pits of hell and has been trying to stay away from there every since. I’m with you.. you are not alone.. and together we will build stories that will reach the world! With much respect to all of our fallen soldiers.. through Life or Mental..!!!